« DaddyW | Main | They Are BaaacK! »

March 16, 2006

Funky Town

I know I haven't posted anything since Sunday, so I just wanted to drop you all a note and say I'm not dead... yet. *Warning, this has the potential to be a long post.

I am going to echo a sentiment I have seen a lot lately on nearly all those links in my blog roll. I'm in a funk. I don't feel like doing anything. I am having a horrible time. I can't sleep, and this insomnia has gone on for nearly two months now. I'm crying at the drop of a hat.

I have no motivation to do anything, even the simplest things like hanging up my laundry, which is already on the hangers, in the closet. So for two weeks, I have, when attempting to sleep, been sleeping on about 1/3rd of the bed because the laundry is all nice and laid out, still on the hangers, on the other 2/3rds of the bed.

The really bad part about this funk is I don't think there is any getting out of it. I have a few things to blog about, but I am having a hard time to just get myself to sit down and blog about finding it hard to blog. And that sentence really doesn't make since because it doesn't even take any effort on my part to sit down at the computer, since that is where I am anyway for probably 18+ hours a day.

I'm emotionally, physically and financially drained. I've been trying to work on my resume to send it off, but I keep wanting to change it and it doesn't get sent. I desperately need a new job but the weird thing about my funk is that my OCD-perfectionism when it comes to stuff like my resume doesn't go away. I think it would help the situation if I had work to do, but I am all caught up on my work and am sitting here basically waiting for the next month of information to be released. It isn't supposed to be released until April 10th.

Speaking of OCD, last night, while sitting at my computer, completely unable to sleep...I went thru my Microsoft Money file and renamed all the entries that were just automatically downloaded so that they grouped together correctly. For example, I renamed every entry so that every time I ate at La Madeleine (regardless of which location or town), it would group together. Is that sad or what?

I have friends who have suggested I go to therapy, but the thought scares me to death. In fact, that thought is even scarier than realizing I may never sleep more than 2 hours a night for the rest of my life. And just typing that last sentence, I have tears flowing down my face. The people at work probably think I am a basket case since I always have tears in my eyes, but to them... I chalk it up to being in pain and my migraines.

On a happier note, I will say that the change in my medicines last month has helped. I haven't had a really bad bad migraine in a few weeks. Don't get me wrong, I've had migraines... but they weren't to the point that I had to stay home from work. And frankly, I bet a lot of it has to do with my lack of sleep. The numbness in my hands is a little better, but not enough to say it still doesn't hurt.

The pills have also screwed with my appetite. I have never been a breakfast person, but now I wake up hungry. Low Fat Popcorn, that I can pop at work, has become my best friend. Then I end up not eatin lunch until 3 or 4pm and dinner has just been crazy. I am out of just about everything at home.

I have canned items, but no meat or key ingredients to make something. I know I could get in the kitchen and be creative, I mean.. I am a chef... but... yeah, there's that motivation problem. There have been MANY nights in the past month or so that dinner consisted of 2 glasses of milk. Last night, I had a can of blackeyed peas and a glass of milk.

I thought about doing that Milk Your Diet. It isn't hard for me to drink 24 oz of milk in a day. Unfortunately, I dont think that cutting calories is supposed to mean don't eat and that burning calories... does clearing a mahjong puzzle every 2 minutes count?

It doesn't help your outlook on life when you get up every morning and realize that you basically have 5 pairs of pants that you can wear and only 3 of them look halfway decent. And that it has become much too warm outside to wear over 80% of the tops that fit. I know I need to lose weight and I am miserable being this fat, but that doesn't help the fact that I don't have much to wear now.

I did everything I could to be able to attend DaddyW's funeral on Monday. I got up and packed and got all ready to leave on Sunday, ran a couple of errands, but as I was walking out of my last errand my car decided to DIE. I had to have it towed to the Saturn dealership and I was left stranded. I had a heck of a time finding someone to take me home. That is another part of my funk, I feel completely alone.

I guess that is why I want to move home so bad. No matter what part of town I was in, if my car died in Houston I would know someone close by to come get my stranded self.

I guess I will close for now. I am going to try to make myself get up the energy to take my pictures for SPF tonight. I didn't participate in Way Back Wednesday because I never went anywhere for Spring Break while I was in college, and all my pictures from my high school choir trips that we took over our Easter/Spring Break are at my parents. I haven't been able to FUG anyone lately. I don't get out of the house much, I pretty much go to work and then home. I also have a really hard time coming to terms with FUG'n someone when I look as horrible in my own skin as I know I do.

Posted by FutureFoodTVStar at March 16, 2006 10:43 AM

Comments

Posted by: Cheryl at March 16, 2006 12:43 PM

Posted by: William at March 16, 2006 03:01 PM

Posted by: Carrie at March 16, 2006 05:01 PM

Posted by: Suzie at March 16, 2006 05:42 PM

Post a comment

Name:

Email Address:

URL:
Remember Me? YesNo

Comments: